>I found it difficult to tell what I really want.

i assume it's almost universally true.

it might be the case that you're already doing what you really want.

and what you think you should do, those thoughts that create the conflict, are most of the time internalized expectations.

only recently i realized that all my adult life i've done pretty much only what was good for me. avoided some major traps of conformity. but constantly felt that anxious pressure from internalized expectations.

now i'm learning to trust my Self - that preconscious source of "wisdom" that i was previously not even aware of.

> Interest

maybe you outgrew them. maybe don't try to pursue something you're not Interested in. let interest be the north star that guides your attention.

that "conflict" you feel between what you Are interested in, and what you Think you should be interested in, is not healthy.

Not a loss, but it is a lack. You can't have perceived autonomy without certainty.

The Memory Palace has done a moving episode on sperm whales.

https://thememorypalace.us/keyhole/

If you're not familiar with the podcast, the episodes are incredibly well written and narrated humanity-focused vignettes.